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Post by Will on Jan 18, 2004 15:17:18 GMT -5
Oh, ok Cal, I didn’t know that…
Hmmm… my father grew up with three older sisters where as my mother was the oldest, looking after two younger brothers. Father was a “bad kid”, skipping classes and such, but Mother never missed a class. But like all Asian children, they had strict, yet loving parents.
That carried over of course. Then again beatings with the broom might count as abuse, so they adjusted to the American culture and mellowed out a bit. And I’ll stop here since there’s already a thread about parental units. Moving onto siblings. ((Sorry if there’s a thread on that too))
I had a talk with my mom last night… ((That’s why I had that little post back there)) Well, she brought it to my attention that my youngest sister is always giving her a hard time. ((She had just walked in and refused to clean up her mess.)) And she said that since I’m the oldest, I have to set a good example. Which got me thinking… I am most likely the cause of my two sisters’ behavior. The middle sister looked up to me and then the littlest sister looked up to her. A chain reaction… And so, once again, I’m on a guilt trip, attempting to change some things.
If you are a younger sibling, tell me what you think of your older brother(s) and/or sister(s). Are there things you tell only to a sibling and no other? Did you create a secret language together or watch each other’s backs? And if you are an only child, do you like being one? Is it easy for you?
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Calantha
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My name is Luck, this is my song, I happened by when you were gone
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Post by Calantha on Jan 18, 2004 19:20:45 GMT -5
There isn't one on siblings Um... I have an older sister. I love her...I don't know if I like her, but since I always spent a lot of time with her when we were little, it's sometimes easier to talk to her about things like when we were little. We can talk about our family and understand each other...it's nice having someone like that. But overall, my sister and I only get along to an extent because I think that we have both set up some major issues with feeling like that lesser sibling. My parents...have always been very quick to show which they are more proud of in certain situations, and I think that affects our relationship to a degree. We never had secret languages. My sister was "too cool" for that, so my friends and I would do it. We did, however, create a system of lies that was quite amazing with our parents. I'm proud of it.
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Post by En on Jan 19, 2004 13:17:18 GMT -5
Er, as an oldest sibling... I don't know how much my behaviour really did inspire or even affect my younger siblings. The next one down, Joe, age 19, is about as different from me as you can get within the same culture. Liam, who knows what he thinks, but he doesn't do much like me except read a lot and think computers are cool, which I doubt has very much to do with me and much more to do with the fact that his town has a good library and he has a cool computer.
Liz is definitely her own person; we like some of the same music and movies and things, and our politics are really similar, but she was like 7 when I left home and usually the stuff we both like seems to have been stuff we discovered independently, then found we both liked it. (Which is cool.) And then there's Lumers, and she and I do have a lot of interests in common too, but I dunno that I was ever around enough for anything I did to have rubbed off on her.
*shrug* Could just be our family. There's a really big age difference between everyone except Liam and Liz.
I think the reason I'm being dubious about this is because our father, who bears a startling spiritual resemblance to Denethor, is treating more than one of my siblings like Faramir right now, and as Boromir I would like to say that I'm officially furious with him.
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Calantha
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My name is Luck, this is my song, I happened by when you were gone
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Post by Calantha on Jan 19, 2004 19:32:14 GMT -5
I wonder exactly how much sibling tensions or lack there of is influenced by parents?
Good reason to be dubious, En. It sucks when parents treat their kids differently. For both parts...the Boromir and the Faramir.
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Post by En on Jan 20, 2004 13:23:25 GMT -5
There is absolutely no question in my mind that a large part of my difficulties with my family as a teen were because they started telling me everything I said was unreasonable and selfish precisely on my twelfth birthday. It didn't matter what I said, even if what I said was "what could I say here that would not be unreasonable or selfish."
This is called self-fulfilling prophecy
So I don't doubt at all that parents' actions influence the relations between siblings. Not just when they treat the kids differently -- sometimes I think part of the reason Liam and Liz and I get along so well is because we think it's annoying that Denethor still competes for attention whenever he's around his siblings (and pouts if he doesn't get it).
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Calavera Diablos
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Post by Calavera Diablos on Jan 20, 2004 14:49:55 GMT -5
En- One of my best friends has the same problem. Her family has done nothing but bring her down ever since childhood and as a result, she has horrible self esteem. She's the middle child, which is generally hard enough, but her sister is always the golden child (or tries to be and gets very upset when she's not the center of attention) and she has to be the "good example" for the youngins. She reminds me of Faramir, always trying to please them because they're her parents and she loves them, but they don't give her the support or care she has and still does need.
My brother and I are polar opposites in every sense of the word. He is the eldest, very reserved and quiet, so it came as quite a shock when my parents had to deal with a hyper sensitive, over emotional, violence prone younger daughter. My father, oddly enough always got along best with me due to our odd sense of humor and child-like mentality while my brother was more attatched to our mother: extremely patient, thoughtful, knowledgable and caring. Sean (my bro) was never very interested in wood working or souping up old Korean war jeeps, so I grew up being the "man" of the house at times. Even when I was running around in little pink dresses and disturbing Cindi Lauper-esque tanktop-skirt-bike shorts combinations, I'd mess around with circular saws and belt sanders while Sean retreated into books about flight and put together intricate models of war planes. We never really got along to start with, me being the spoiled brat and all, but for a time we were content with silent familial bonds. When I was in highschool, we pulled away once more because I isolated myself and was generally a depressing bitch. He'd sit in his room, listening to my parents and I fight and occassionally throw things. I'd imagine it was hard for him to deal with that kind of stress. I remember I was being particularly nasty and calling my mother a bitch in the Kitchen and he slapped me. Not a hard, angry slap, but one you use to grab someone's attention because they're too busy ranting and raving to allow another's word in edgewise. That stuck out in my mind because I was always learning from him despite the fact that we never spoke to one another. He helped me calm down, focus on the pain I was inflicting on my family because I couldn't deal with my own problems. When I calmed down, he did me a huge favour and let me hang out with his college friends because he knew I couldn't relate to people my own age at my highschool. I have a deep respect for him since he seemed to be like another parent in the house who aided with helping my grow and learn. Sean's got a fantastic talent with animals and he is always talked about at the dinner table, but I don't feel jealousy or resentment. I find myself smiling, laughing and telling his stories with as much fervor as my parents. Last Christmas, I wrote him a long letter in his card, apologizing for being so hard to deal with and that I didn't want any love loss between us as we grew older because I loved and respected him. I think he really appreciated that, because my mother noticed something about him was at peace after that. We don't hug and we don't seem very connected to one another to this day, but we're talking alot more and there aren't any hard feelings between us beneath the surface.
As for different parent's treatment of siblings, I can't say there was much difference between us. Our parents gave us all equal attention and care, so we haven't had any problems concerning rivalry or competition. I think that's also simply because Sean and I never really thought or cared about it too much, we were allowed to be who we were and it was okay; we were never forced into roles or what our parents "wanted" us to be.
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Post by En on Jan 21, 2004 13:16:19 GMT -5
It's a weird thing... about letters to people... I wrote a note to my stepmother a year or two back, saying that I appreciated her hard work and was glad we could talk about books and stuff now (we didn't get along very well when I lived there, which in retrospect I realise was partly because I didn't want a mother figure). Ever since, we've had something like what you described, Cally -- a deeper closeness, though we don't say much about it. We don't even agree on very much. We're just... at peace.
It's strange, how you can live with someone for ten years and only afterward, through a letter, finally connect.
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S.S Tigress
Slytherin Alumni
Shots in the dark from empty guns, never heard by anyone
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Post by S.S Tigress on Jan 25, 2004 19:50:18 GMT -5
I have a younger brother by two years. He's quite the lazy one, since his first year into middle school made him quite depressed, he stopped doing work and plays video games non-stop. Him and I don't speak all too much. Ocasionally we'll have some good laughs together whenever I have time. But mostly him and I are very independant. I do my homework when I want to, and get it done, do the dishes, find my own food for meals and so does he. We're a pretty independant family all together so we don't have much of family time. To me I don't mind but everyone else seems to think that's depressing.
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Post by En on Jan 26, 2004 15:36:37 GMT -5
*shrug* I know people who think that's depressing too... and sometimes I'm one of them. It's really hard for me to live with anyone who has a really close family life, because our family were kind of like yours -- to the point that it surprised me the first time my parents caught my sister sneaking out. I don't think they even noticed most of the time whether I was home or not. Anyway, the point being, now that I live by myself and have for a while, I kind of envy people who have close lives. And I definitely wouldn't want to raise my kids the way my parents "raised" me -- pretty much left me alone unless I messed up. That's not healthy. It's one thing to give your 14-year-old some leeway and privacy, and another to forget for eight weeks that your 8-year-old needs new underwear.
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Calantha
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My name is Luck, this is my song, I happened by when you were gone
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Post by Calantha on Jan 26, 2004 16:45:47 GMT -5
Hmm... I don't see my parents a lot because we're all gone at different times, but for a long time when I was little my mom, sister and I were really close. Then my sister went off to college and my mother went to back to work (although they didn't happen at the same time ). But we're all fairly close. We usually know each other's issues...we just don't always know what each other did during the day. However, the closest person in my family, as of right now, to me, would be my Nan although I don't get to see her half as often as I would like to. I liked growing up in a close family when I was little until I hit probably 12, which was when my family drifted apart pretty much. And now, I'd just as soon have it like it is now...close so that we know if so-and-so needs help, but not so close that I have to explain anything.
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S.S Tigress
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Shots in the dark from empty guns, never heard by anyone
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Post by S.S Tigress on Jan 26, 2004 22:56:35 GMT -5
My whole family tree isn't close at all. Mainly because they mostly all live in Poland, and three out of four of my grandparents have already passed away. Since 9/11 *my aunt doesn't want us on a plane to see them nor vice versa just from the terror. I'm sure it's subsided a lot by now but now, my family is a bit too busy for travel. The closest I have to family other than immediate, are my 2nd (3rd?) cousins in connecticut, after that it's Poland and the farthest is my great-aunt in Austrailia.
* Now see, that felt weird even typing. I've never reffered to her as my aunt. Never talked about her. My mom would always say, "my sister" if she spoke of her, but that has only been twice or so.
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Post by En on Jan 27, 2004 17:12:34 GMT -5
Hrm. Out of curiosity, Tigress, who would you say your folks are close to? Like, do they go to a church or temple or whatever, or do they get along well with their coworkers, or know their neighbours, or anything like that? And what were they like about friends for you when you were a little kid? Did they have you in day care or anything?
I just had this long talk with a friend about how it's best if you try to balance the four loves in your life, but if you can't work with one for some reason, you can live if you take extra time on the other three... meaning, like, if you're not close to your family, sometimes your faith, work or friends can be enough, at least for a while....
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S.S Tigress
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Shots in the dark from empty guns, never heard by anyone
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Post by S.S Tigress on Jan 28, 2004 19:42:28 GMT -5
Hmm...Well our neighbors are old, I live in the senior citizen area of my town. When I was younger we are all close with neighbors, but not lately. My mom gets along quite well with co-workers, my dad the same. My mom only has one friend outside of work though, who's the mother of my ex best friend of elementary school. My mom used to drag me and my brother to church but she gave up when I was in 6th grade. Nothing motivated me to go to church. I became an atheist until just last year when I realize that's fairly ignorant of me. So now I'm just sort of exploring other religons.
When I was a kid I was in a few day-cares. I don't usually talk about my friends with my parents but no matter who I end up bringing to my house they're welcoming of them. Except I think my mom is an "in the closet" homophobic and racist. ::shrugs::
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Post by En on Jan 29, 2004 12:48:31 GMT -5
*quietly* I used to think of it as a plague of loneliness -- all the ways that people connect slowly coming apart -- churches wasting away, neighbourhoods full of strangers, jobs turning over too fast for people to build a life at work, families breaking up or spreading out so far that they don't stay in touch -- but I seriously think we've reached epidemic status.
Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with your situation, Tigress, or the way you're handling it. Every person wants/needs/has different kinds of connections, and we all manage them the best way we can. I just wish there were some way I could invite you to something, or send a friend your way, or something like that. Yeah, we have TD, but... I dunno about you, it drives me bonkers that I can't invite my house over for pizza or whatever IRL.
Meh. The same friend (acquaintance, really; we just met) and I just had another talk in which he said he felt like he had a really deep connection with me, and I was like... how lonely do people have to get to feel deep connections in only four days of knowing each other? So that's why I'm so freaking out on people needing connections right now, because... it's not like I don't like the idea of having deep connections with some more people, just not in four days. Yeah... meh.
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S.S Tigress
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Shots in the dark from empty guns, never heard by anyone
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Post by S.S Tigress on Jan 29, 2004 20:00:38 GMT -5
That's sweet, thanks En.
I just thought of something. I've always been real close with my friends, I always put them first except in the choice of me going to private school. I based that on my passion for theatre, I sometimes regret it and sometimes don't but I know overall it was the best thing for me. But I never really understood why I had such a passion for my friends. I think now I understand why. Around the time when I stopped going to church, I stopped being friendly with the senior citizens, was not only when I got into middle school but when I started loving my friends more. So maybe from that loneliness I inherited, I gained more love for friends.
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