Calantha
Gryffindor Alumni
My name is Luck, this is my song, I happened by when you were gone
Posts: 4,493
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Post by Calantha on Jan 7, 2011 16:36:16 GMT -5
I wanted kids until I started teaching. And then I saw what snot-nosed brats they could be.
If you talked to me a year ago, I would have said I never wanted kids. I'm maternal...overly so sometimes, but the thought of having kids needing me all day after being with kids who needed me all day seemed a bit much. But then I met a guy who wanted kids, felt like he always was meant to be a dad, and I tried thinking of having children in a positive perspective. So I said, "Maybe one day when I'm old."
For right now, we've found a compromise. We can have children (he wants an army, I think) if we also have a foster child.
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Post by Ritsu on Jan 7, 2011 19:25:48 GMT -5
I wanted kids until I started teaching. And then I saw what snot-nosed brats they could be. This made me chuckle. ;D I've always said I never would be a teacher because I know how cruel kids can be to their peers while in school and I don't have the emotional strenght required to endure it. I don't know how to sort out my priorities. I really don't, and it's one of my main struggles at this point of my life. Like KoNeko wrote, I sometimes feel I made a bunch of bad choices and it's due to them that I am where I am now. I'm not complaining, I'm really in good terms with life right now, but sometimes I wish I had done everything right - that would mean being done with college by now, having a job for two years (well, maybe) and a family. It really hurts sometimes to think that the only thing keeping me from starting a family is me and my past choices. Choices influenced by some deep emotional crisis, but still avoidable choices nontheless. I get confused between education and family. I'm in the university right now - second semester stars in February - and I still have two years before I get my undergraduate degree, but I am really liking it. Like Colleen, continuous education is very important for me and at uni I have the opportunity to one day be devoted to what I truly love: Victorian England. But, at the same time, I don't know whether I should continue my studies after my undergrad ends because of family. I want a family. I want children as bad as anything I've ever wanted before. I wasn't like this, but since I was 19 that something started creeping up inside me, something new... I never thought I could be a good mother, but now I'm absolutely sure of it. And I want a family. I want to build a home. And I can't do that and be at school at the same time, it just can't happen. Because to be able to support a family *and* the tuition fees I'd have to also work, and work+school+home is too much, plus I wouldn't spend any quality time with my future husband/future kids. So this is my dilemma. As for finance, it moves everything, doesn't it? I'm 100% broke, I have no money I can call my own. I intend to change that starting this month. The reason for this is that I've always lived in a very sheltered, protected environment and my parents always gave me anything I wanted. I never felt the need to work hard in order to have money to buy something... and let's be honest, until three years ago I didn't even think the chance of getting married would befall upon me. And now it's here, so I have to really start working hard, from scratch, in order to have a solid foundation to get married and start a family. My boyfriend says we can do it with our current allowance/salary (he works at a bookshop), but, to me, starting something as big as this without a solid economical base is unthinkable. So, regrettably for him, we're gonna have to wait at least two years more before moving in together. I just hope the relationship will survive the wait. I always dreamt I would get married at 25. I'm turning 25 this year, so that's not gonna happen. In my plan, motherhood would come at 27. So let's see if that one happens according to plan, though I highly doubt it. I finish uni at 27
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Post by hermoine on Jan 8, 2011 5:33:56 GMT -5
My mother has started pressuring me about it, she had me when she was my age... So, that sucks. Maybe it sounds selfish, but I'm also freaked out about pregnancy.
Heh I hear you nancy. My mom was expecting me at my age and I'm turning 22 in a couple of months. At least there's no pressure apart from the fact that they (along with my boyfriend's family) tend to speak of things so much in the longterm leading to marriage. It's not that it's some idea coming from outer space but I really don't want to think about it when I haven't even finished education yet. It's way too early.
Not to mention that I am kind of career-oriented. I do want to get married and I do want to have children but all in its due time once I've settled my education and feel stable enough career-wise.
Recently the European Parliament was proposing this whole new legislative resolution where paid maternity leave would be extended to 20 weeks. Do you have this in the US and other countries and for how long? Basically it was not accepted by the 27 governments and in a way I think it's a good thing. I do get that it might be good for all mothers, but I think the effect this would bear on sexual discrimination when it comes to getting a job is a far more long-term concern.
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Post by nancy on Jan 8, 2011 12:58:12 GMT -5
Well yes, she's not pressuring me to have kids tomorrow or anything, however, whenever she asks about my plans I come up with only career-oriented stuff that seems to extend into my 30s. I say you don't really plan falling in love with anyone, it just happens, so I'll just make my OWN plans and if/when another person enters the picture, I'll adjust them accordingly. I was looking at maternity leave lengths and some countries are really generous with it. I really like the idea of long-term paternity leave, too.
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Post by moira on Jan 8, 2011 21:09:57 GMT -5
Note to self: next time I write anything long, I am SOOOOO saving it before I hit the stupid send button, and lose it all!!! I am so upset I lost my ENTIRE reply to this subject....
Therefore, this entry is going to be shorter, with not near as much oomph or enthusiasm, because my butt is tired from sitting in the chair.
Basically, my feelings are this: In terms of what is getting discussed right now, education is thought of in terms of going to college. Correct me if I'm wrong in that assumption. Were that to be the case, Education is last in line for me.
However, Financial education isn't. Finances are first and foremost. Financial education falls right in line. If I *have* money, what am I doing with it? I could be making a six figure income and yet be in debt because of what I choose to spend it on. I could have a huge expensive house that requires constant upkeep and the latest security system to protect my valuables, yet despite my salary that says I'm well-to-do, I'm not making good educational decisions with that money, and therefore I'm poor. If you've read Rich Dad, Poor Dad, this is his philosophy. It's one that rings true to Greg and I.
I'm right there with a lot of what you guys are saying. For those who are wanting children, fearing the lack of money or environmental setup or career to make any of it successful for future souls to be brought into the world.
The loudest message all of us are transmitting is this: Fear.
Fear of not being successful in a minimum of one, if not all four, of these categories we are discussing.
I am *right* there with you.
The thought I want to introduce is perspective. That has a lot of weight in these categories too. Perspective that debt isn't all a completely negative thing. Perspective that we can allow ourselves to be *human* and not completely screw up raising a child. That we are *supposed* to make mistakes, and in actuality, that's the best thing about being human is that comfort of getting to try again?
I have fear. Fear of being where my parents are, without retirement, working in jobs they despise, yet fearing to go or do (or unable to do) anything else than what they are already doing.
I feared getting married. I feel grateful in saying that pushing that fear away allowed success for me, because I found a great guy, and my current fear is losing him to some catastrophe.
I fear having children. Because what Cal said, we, as the parent, deal with all of their unpleasantries.
I fear education, because in some cases, it's the act of doing that frightens me.
So, just as we are individually prioritizing what category we feel is most important in our life, we are also priotorizing what level of fear we are willing to deal with and push through. Because the "reward" of successfully achieving that certain level is going to feel worth it to us.
I am pushing through my fear of education and finances to that way I can be financially wise, and allow the money I am hoping to increase for myself, work to my benefit.
I am pushing through my fear of raising a child, because my fear of marriage was a successful accomplishment, and I feel secure in my choice of partner, and that we'll be raising this hellion together, and you're darn tootin right if it isn't gonna be the most cutest and adorable little hellion ever!!
But every day, I have to evaluate my fear. I have to make the choice of how much I'm going to let it affect me. Every day.
And I have decide what kind of perspective is going to bring happiness to me, and those I care about.
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Post by En on Jan 10, 2011 18:16:51 GMT -5
Applause from this corner.
We all have days behind, today, and days ahead. We'll just have to make calls on how to use each day to reach the goals we have.
The very wonderful person with whom I share my life now faces tough economic odds, and so do I - but in the end, we're just going to have to take our risks and make our choices. And in the end, I'd rather risk having our child before we're economically stable instead of risking the child's health by having him or her later in life.
Adulthood: there are no right answers. Just best efforts.
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Post by moira on Jan 11, 2011 0:06:38 GMT -5
Adulthood: there are no right answers. Just best efforts. I LOVE that thought! So so true.
On a sort of tangent, but something that triggered a memory, was that you had shared a quote with me years ago saying "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." You said that as I was going through whatever teenage thing it was, and it really stuck with me. Not that I've been able to successfully not care about what others think, but it's a quote I wrote down and made sure to stick in a place where I would see it and remember. It helped me to bouy up my self esteem
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Post by En on Jan 11, 2011 19:02:02 GMT -5
(I think that quote was from pkia, dear. If you look at one of her posts, that's the line at the bottom of each one )
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