Post by KoNeko on Jun 26, 2005 23:15:31 GMT -5
I thought it was time to update our jokes. We had a few really good ones in our last book, and I thought I would put them here for everyone to share while you add your own...
_____________________________________
What's the best thing to come out of Missouri?
Interstate Highway 70.
DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer.
I'm not Interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Words that don't exist, but should...
Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.
Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Claustrophobic: Someone who is afraid of Santa Claus.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:
Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
A fool and his money make a great date.
SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS
(Scene 1)
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.
(Scene 2:)
LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions -- Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf -- in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking about.
LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script.
GIMLI: Well, I'm really short!
(Laughter)
LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
(Scene 3:)
MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!
PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!
TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat!
(Scene 4)
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5)
FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels.
(Scene 6)
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba'Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!
LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.
GIMLI: I'm still short!
(Laughter)
(Scene 7)
FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?
SAMWISE: That ''Weasel Feet'' would be a good name for a rock band?
FRODO: Yes, as would ''Kung Fu Trees'' and ''Combat Alfalfa.'' But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be...
SAMWISE: No! Not that!
FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
;D
_____________________________________
What's the best thing to come out of Missouri?
Interstate Highway 70.
DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer.
I'm not Interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Words that don't exist, but should...
Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.
Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Claustrophobic: Someone who is afraid of Santa Claus.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:
Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
A fool and his money make a great date.
SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS
(Scene 1)
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.
(Scene 2:)
LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions -- Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf -- in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking about.
LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script.
GIMLI: Well, I'm really short!
(Laughter)
LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
(Scene 3:)
MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!
PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!
TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat!
(Scene 4)
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5)
FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels.
(Scene 6)
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba'Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!
LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.
GIMLI: I'm still short!
(Laughter)
(Scene 7)
FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?
SAMWISE: That ''Weasel Feet'' would be a good name for a rock band?
FRODO: Yes, as would ''Kung Fu Trees'' and ''Combat Alfalfa.'' But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be...
SAMWISE: No! Not that!
FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
;D