|
Post by E Books on Feb 28, 2003 11:03:18 GMT -5
Thank you Dianella for the comments and corrections, I'll work harder next time on punctuation.
|
|
dianella
Slytherin House Member
My mother told me to mend my wicked ways. But I never could sew...
Posts: 1,811
|
Post by dianella on Feb 28, 2003 16:10:39 GMT -5
Really, e-books, you have some real talent. I'm quite impressed with what you wrote! I'm going to leave the Daily Prophet exercise up for a few more days - hope more of you join in and play! And please don't think that I'll be overly picky about what you write - I'm just interested in giving you feedback so that you can improve your skills. If any of you have a special topic you'd like to work on, let me know! I think next week I MAY do an exercise that will allow you to earn house points! (I have to clear this with Fluffy first )
|
|
|
Post by ebooks on Mar 5, 2003 11:22:52 GMT -5
Crouch’s Catastrophic Calamity
Where has Mr. Crouch’s house-elf gone? Our sources have confirmed that Bartemius Crouch has recently sacked his, long time, house-elf, Winky. The last night of the Quidditch World Cup ended in chaos when “You Know Who’s” mark appeared in the sky, and some of his concealed supporters took dominion of three innocent muggles. That was also the last night Winky was seen in the company of the ministry official Mr. Crouch. When questioned he stated, his house-elf was found holding the wand that was responsible for the Morsmorde. Although she claimed that she did not use the wand she was unwilling to declare who did. This has left more questions than answers for this keen reporter. Of course this horrid act would warrant the discharge of any house-elf, however, this news reporter’s petite nose is itching that there is something more going on.
Shortly after the young Harry Potter conquered the “Dark Lord”, Barty Crouch headed up the chilling hunt for his followers. His relentless efforts sent his own son, Barty Crouch Jr., to Azkaban Prison-many of our readers felt this was going to far-and his possessed pursuits may have cost him the position of Minister of Magic. So, the question I put to all you readers out there is this: Why would his house-elf steal a wand and use it to conjure the dark mark after all these years? She was a faithful servant to his dying wife and aided Crouch after the death of his only son. What diabolical reasons did she have for betraying the family name, and what did she have to gain?
House-elves by nature are faithful to their families. Are we to suspect all house-elves of turning on us? Should we question our safety in a home where house-elves are present? Or is it that perhaps our Mr. Crouch put her up to this himself? Winky’s whereabouts are currently unknown, and Crouch has refused to comment on any details of her termination to our concerned paper. His actions are extremely suspicious, we believe the ministry will be investigating him further on these matters, and I for one wouldn’t be surprised if he was the one responsible. We here at the Daily Prophet will be keeping our readers abreast of any actions taken toward Crouch in the future, but until we know more, for your own safety keep your eyes on your house-elves.
|
|
Gryf
Gryffindor Alumni
Posts: 1,773
|
Post by Gryf on Mar 6, 2003 13:46:22 GMT -5
Hello there, Dianella, just wanted to be nosey and see what all the excitment was all about in here. Wow, e-books, you are really good, I loved all your news stories. I hope you stick around for a while, Dianella is very good.
I need work with my comma use too.
|
|
|
Post by ebooks on Mar 6, 2003 16:16:00 GMT -5
Thankyou, Gryf (E.I.T), I'm glad you liked my news reports. Will you be writing for the Daily Prophet too? I'm having fun, and I hope Dianella will help me become a better writer. ;D
|
|
dianella
Slytherin House Member
My mother told me to mend my wicked ways. But I never could sew...
Posts: 1,811
|
Post by dianella on Apr 21, 2003 10:46:49 GMT -5
Sorry I've been away, guys - but I'm back now. We'll have a new exercise soon, either posted here or in a separate thread.
|
|
|
Post by Will on May 13, 2003 22:46:50 GMT -5
Hmmm…I’m not sure if I should post here, but hopefully it’s ok. I have a question for you, Di. Ok, here is what the over all idea is:
It was as if a dream, towering heavy oak doors slowly creaked open, and the last of the wooden boats floated across the caliginous sapphire lake, onto the sandy shore…
Now how do you keep the blurry feeling and slow motion affect without saying “It was as if a dream…” and “slowly…”?
|
|
dianella
Slytherin House Member
My mother told me to mend my wicked ways. But I never could sew...
Posts: 1,811
|
Post by dianella on May 14, 2003 12:10:22 GMT -5
Good question! As I studied your sentence and the overall effect you want to achieve, I had trouble incorporating the "creak" of the doors. If you want a blurry, dreamy quality, I wouldn't use "creak". It's a sharp sound, more nightmarish than dreamy or blurry. So, first, I'll drop that along with "As if in a dream" and the "slowly". Then, I'll focus on describing a softer, slower motion of the doors to try and create the effect you want. Also, I had some question over whether the towering oak doors were in the water and led to the sandy shore, or whether the doors were on land and were opening as the boats landed. So, my examples will include both scenarios.
Here are some attempts:
Towering oak doors parted silently, creating small ripples in the still waters as they slowly revealed a misty cavern beyond. The small wooden boats drifted gently across the caliginous grotto until, as if guided by an unseen hand, they slid smoothly onto the sandy shore.
Now, I kept your word "caliginous" because I think you like it. But I wouldn't use it to describe the water if I also used the word "sapphire" to describe the water. It can't be both dark/misty/gloomy (caliginous) AND sapphire blue. I also think that, while caliginous is a cool word, it is somewhat distracting because of its uniqueness. In the above example, I tried to help the reader understand caliginous by already describing the cavern as misty. The reader should then be able to understand that "misty cavern" and "caliginous grotto" are the same.
Now an attempt if the doors are part of the castle and are on land: The small wooden boats drifted effortlessly through the caliginous waters, moonlight reflecting softly on the small, murky ripples. As if guided by an unseen hand, they passed single file through a tiny, moss-covered opening in the rockface and entered a cold, misty cavern. Two towering oak doors crept open on silent hinges, and the students craned their necks to catch a first glimpse of the castle as the boats slid smoothly onto the sandy shore.
Again, I help my reader with the unfamiliar word caliginous by referring to the murky ripples.
So - does this help? Let me know your thoughts.
|
|
|
Post by Will on May 14, 2003 18:34:36 GMT -5
I knew my sentence didn't make much sense. Now how do I describe this? A 1st year Hogwarts student is observing this scene while just getting off the little boat. He is a tad bit frightened, but at the same time extremely excited. I wanted to have the reader realize that this student is glancing here and there and also sense that blurry, slow feeling as he is looking around.
Oh! The second example was pretty much the idea. Yes, I can see why “creak” wouldn’t be the perfect word to use in this situation. "Caliginous" and "sapphire" wouldn’t work together? Ok then. I wanted to say that the lake is a deep blue in color, but “deep blue” isn’t the best way to describe it, right? So then I thought of sapphires and how it’s a very pretty dark blue…I also wanted a misty, murky feeling to the lake and figured that “caliginous” would be the perfect word. Hmmm…you are right though; “caliginous” is rather distracting.
Ok! I think I’ve got an idea of how to fix my sentence. Thank you so much for the help, Di. Once I fix it I’ll post it again and you can tell me if I need to make more adjustments.
|
|
dianella
Slytherin House Member
My mother told me to mend my wicked ways. But I never could sew...
Posts: 1,811
|
Post by dianella on May 15, 2003 13:35:55 GMT -5
Great - let me know if you need anything else, and I do hope that helped you hone in on what you were trying to achieve.
|
|
Gryf
Gryffindor Alumni
Posts: 1,773
|
Post by Gryf on Jun 24, 2003 12:32:51 GMT -5
Wow, great idea here...
I just dropped in to see how things were going. The "Skitter" reports are really good but, the sentence work is wonderful. I think it would be fun to work on something simple like that. Have people describe a simple feeling/ event, a few sentences. Then help them work on how to make it better...and punctuation of course. Maybe how to use punctuation to increase the effect of the sentence
|
|
Dora the Explorer
5th Year
Porcupines do NOT make good pillows. Believe me.
Posts: 613
|
Post by Dora the Explorer on Aug 24, 2003 21:10:58 GMT -5
I was just out side, in the rain, and it compelled me to write this:
Have you ever been outside when it rains and just twirled and danced amongst the raindrops? It's a beautiful feeling, a feeling that nothing can ever go wrong and every itty-bitty thing is wonderful. You feel as though you could spread you arms and fly, and see below you God's perfect world. The smell of rain is heaven, it smells of nature, of decaying leaves, autumn winds, dirt. The feel of raindrops on your face is cold and refreshing. You forget you are surrounded by houses and cars, and you dance with the trees and the wind to the wild, fast song that the rain plays, and you are one with nature.
|
|
dianella
Slytherin House Member
My mother told me to mend my wicked ways. But I never could sew...
Posts: 1,811
|
Post by dianella on Sept 8, 2003 21:50:38 GMT -5
That was really beautiful. Well done!
|
|
|
Post by Will on Sept 10, 2003 11:55:06 GMT -5
(( Oi, Dora, that is beautiful! In fact, yesterday it was sprinkling over here and I lied in the grass and let it wash over me… I know how you feel. Anyway, here’s a little something I whipped up. Can you guess where I am? ))
“People in the stands, stand up and clap you hands…”
You can feel the energy rising, hear the people’s cheers echo in your ears. My heart is pounding and my eyes wild with joy. Though I came alone, sitting in the metal bleachers by myself, I don’t feel lonely. Fight songs in the distance only make my lingering smile grow wider and stronger, then I laugh as a trumpet player sends a “neener” tune to the opposing team.
“Sophomores are you here?”
Yes, I’m here. See my arms fling in the air? Do you hear my loud cheers? I’m clapping my hands. Together we stand as the team runs to victory. Touchdown, Firebirds!
|
|