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Post by Rubes on Jul 29, 2003 2:26:16 GMT -5
I know I'm a shocker of a writer; Don't comment on my poor language skills and yada yada yada I just thought I'd write Phil's Stone from a different perspective; After all, if a bunch of Gryffindor first years can find the Philosopher's Stone, a bunch of Ravenclaw sixth years should be able to as well 1. "And the Arrows score again! That puts them 160 points ahead of the Wasps, and just listen to the angry buzzing from the Stingers in the Wasp's Nest in stand number 5" "Yes Jimbo; The Wasp's fans are not enjoying this match one bit, but who can blame them after their Seeker was taken out of play by the amazing backhand from the Arrows' Beater?" "Oi Pete! The Arrows are over the 150 margin again! Get back out here!" Saul continued to throw his butterbeer corks at the bathroom door, and was about to throw his last when Pete came stomping out through the door. "Was it Slater who scored again? 19 goals in one match will put him as highest goal scorer now. Pass us the chips" Saul passed the chips over as Pete's mother came through the door with a basket of washing and two letters, both with the Hogwarts crest on the back. "School lists are here boys. Oh, are you still watching this silly game? You've been in here for over four hours. How long does it take to play a game a Quitchid?" "It's Quidditch mum, and like I've told you, when the Seeker captures the Snitch," said Pete in an exasperated tone. The commentators voices blared out through the speakers once more; "And the Wasps' Seeker is back on the field. Boy, I really hope this match finishes soon. This commentator really needs to pee, but will lose his job if he leaves his chair for even a second. Jimbo, over to you." "Thanks Mullo. And the Seeker's have finally found the Snitch. The Snitch won't just lie down and wait though; It's circling the Arrows' goal posts and heading towards stand number 7; Watch your heads folks! The Seeker's are pulling in air on the Snitch and...." "Look; The Wasps are heading for a goal to bring them to 150 points behind the Arrow's! A Bludger has taken out the Keeper and WASPS SCORE! 330 to 180! They're back in the game! Wasn't that a great bit of...." "The Wasps have captured the Snitch! The game's over! A draw! And the Arrow's must be filthy about that! Yes, go Mullo. Clear off. And after four hours and 17 minutes...." Mullo's commentary was drowned out by the boo's of Saul and Pete, who were throwing their corks at the Wimbourne Wasps' Seeker. "It was a great idea of you to bewitch this veletision...." "Television" Pete muttered under his breath. " Television then. Anyway, this is so much better than reading about the game in the Prophet. You could get rich on this idea. Veletisions that show Quidditch matches" Saul started staring into space until Pete whacked him on the back and pointed to the letters. "Let's ask mum if we can go now; We might catch Aidan at the Menagerie." "You go ask; I'll just have a look for the Floo Powder. You want to go straight to the Menagerie?" "Sounds good. Mum!" As Pete left the room, Saul searched his bag for his emergency supply of Floo Powder, then dashed over to the Parkers' fireplace; It hadn't been used in years. With a quiet " Incendio", Saul had a fire blazing in the hearth, and was just starting to relive the Arrows' Chaser strategies when Pete came back into the room. "She said we could. First stop, Magical Menagerie? You first." "Here, take a handful" said Saul as he stepped into the fire and shouted "Magical Menagerie". With a whoosh, Saul felt himself get sucked past grates and other fireplaces. Making sure that he kept his elbows in tight, Saul tried to pull out his wand. The Magical Menagerie was a dangerous place; Animals everywhere who would jump on top of you in a second. Saul shot out throw the correct grate and landed head first into a pile of goat's livers. "Hands up where I can see them buddy"
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Post by Rubes on Jul 29, 2003 2:47:47 GMT -5
2.
Saul had the funny feeling that if he removed the goat liver on his face, he would be looking straight at the tip of a wand. "Aidan? Is that you? Careful, Pete's coming through" "It's ok guys! It's nothing serious! Get up Saul. You've made a right mess you have" As Saul got up, Pete flew out of the grate and into a pile of carefully stacked boxes of wand wood. "We should be careful about where we stack our stock" said Aidan with a grin. "How are you guys? Did my Wasps cream your Arrows?" "'Course not" said a muffled voice. "The Arrows have always been better" "It was a draw; Lucky your Wasps have a decent Seeker; Slater put 19 of the Arrows' 33 goals through, 9 of those as individual plays. We just popped in to get our school stuff; You finished work yet?" Aidan grunted at this. "The way we're going, we'll never get out of here. Come have a look" Aidan led the trio out the back to where now fewer than 5 employees were pointing their wands at a tebo, which kept disappearing and reappearing. "We thought it'd be a good seller, but all it's done so far is wreck the place. Maybe we should let it go in Diagon Alley" The three boys grinned at this. "Come on, we need to go get our sixth year stuff. Pete said the only thing that is new on the book list is The Standard Books of Spells ~ Grade 6. Shame Quirrel didn't set a new book, now that the OWL's are over. We could have learnt some decent spells" "I learnt a couple of new ones over the holidays" grunted Aidan, as they headed towards Flourish and Blotts. "We've had a few pesky creatures in, and the Stunning Charm is really useful for them. Would you guys like to learn?" "Yeah, sure" said Pete. "Saul?" Aidan and Pete turned around, looking for Saul, who was wandering towards Quality Quidditch Supplies with a strange look on his face. "The new Nimbus 2000. Hey Aidan, why don't you try out for the Ravenclaw team this year? We need a good Beater, and shoulders like that will get you on the team almost automatically. And it'd be great to be on the same team" "What about me? Aren't I good enough for the team" Pete piped up in mock anger. "Ravenclaw doesn't want to lose someone who can figure out any pattern or puzzle quicker than the rest of the class working together. What if you got hit by a Bludger? All those House points, gone!" "Shut up Saul" said Pete with a grin and a slap on the back for Saul. "I'll think about it; Let's just get the books and a sundae or something" Aidan interrupted, pushing through the crowd. "How did he get those shoulders over a month?" "Must be all those animals he has to handle"
Saul, Pete and Aidan were basking in the midday sun when Aidan pointed out over the crowd. "What's Rubeus doing here?' "Rubeus" said Saul, with a puzzled look. "Do you mean Hagrid?" "He's got a first name moron, and yes, I mean him. What's he doing here though?" "Maybe he wants that tebo of yours" said Pete with a smirk. "It'd fit right in the Dark Forest" "No, he's got a kid with him. Must be one of the orphans. Anyway, those spells I was talking about. The first one we were taight was the Stunning Spell. It's pretty easy; You just...." Aidan looked up as the crowd started to shriek. Aidan's face darkened as he noticed the employees of the Magical Menagerie running after a floating goat's liver. "I told them not to feed it liver. Now we'll never catch it" Aidan ran after the tebo, leaving Saul and Pete to laugh out loud and eat their sundaes.
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Post by Rubes on Jul 29, 2003 21:40:20 GMT -5
3.
The next time Saul saw Aidan and Pete was on the Hogwarts Express; Saul was pulling out an old edition of the Daily Prophet as Pete came into his compartment. "Do you have a subscription to The Daily Prophet? Have a look at this". Pete stumbled back as the paper flared up in his face. Pete's eyes were whizzing across the front page. "A robbery at Gringotts? But we were there that same day. July 31st. We never heard or saw anything about a robbery" "They reckon it was Dark Wizards who got in" "Got in where?" asked Aidan, as he came through the door behind Pete, dragging his trunk. "What happened?" "Someone tried to rob Gringotts the same day we went to get our new school stuff" "Show me that". Aidan started to read the paper over Pete's shoulder, then looked back up at Saul. "They said nothing was taken. Nothing to worry about then" "Yeah, you're probably right. Anyway, you never showed us those new spells of yours" said Saul, as he pulled his wand out of his sleeve. "Right. Stunning spell. Well, you take you're wand, point at the target, and say Stupefy" A jet of red light flew out of Aidan's wand and hit Pete straight in the chest. "Of course, you'll want to know the counter-spell as well" said Aidan, grinning at Saul, who returned the favour with a grin of his own. "Stupefy then? What's the counter-spell?" Aidan knelt down next to Pete and whispered "Enervate". Pete's eyes fluttered open and closed again. "I don't feel so good" said Pete, trying to stand up, by falling backwards onto one of the seats. Saul and Aidan were grinning at eachother when a chubby first year opened the door. "Excuse me, but have any of you seen a toad?" "What, you mean Saul here?" said Pete with a laugh. Quick as a flash, Saul had his wand out and pointed it at Pete. With a quick "Stupefy" Pete had fallen onto the floor again. The chubby first year looked terrified. "Sorry kid, but we haven't seen any toads" said Aidan in a don't-worry-about-them tone. "He'll turn up, I'm sure. Hey, what's your name?" The chubby kid only mumbled an answer. "Excuse me?" "Neville. Neville Longbottom." "Good luck at the Sorting Neville" Neville nodded a quick thanks and left the compartment. Saul could hear Neville open the next compartment and ask for his toad again. "Hey, the spell worked. Look, he's out cold" "Now bring him out of it" said a chortling Aidan. "Can you remember the spell?" "Er, Elevate? Emirate? You do it" "Enervate. Really, you should pay more attention". Pete stood up and shook his head. "Stop doing that. Hey Saul, I've got something for you" Pete stuffed his hands into his pockets and pulled out a handheld television. "So you can watch Quidditch whenever a match is on. Muggle's are surpisingly smart. Even if they can't broadcast Quidditch matches." "Thanks. Shame there isn't a game on now; The train takes so long to get to Hogwarts. Anyone got cards?"
Night had fallen, and the train pulled into Hogsmeade Station. A loud cry of "Firs' years! Firs' years over here!" had Aidan looking over the crowd, but the crowd was pushing the boys towards the horseless carriages, and Aidan was unable to go and greet Hagrid.
The short trip to Hogwarts School was uneventful, and Saul, Pete and Aidan were seated and catching up with the other Ravenclaws as Professor McGonagall marched down the middle aisle with the Sorting Hat and stoll. A hush fell over the Great Hall as Professor McGonagall ushered the first years into the hall. The whole hall applauded after the Sorting Hat finished his song, and the first years were beginning to be Sorted. Finally "Potter, Harry!" was called, and the Great Hall instantly in whispers. "Potter, did she say?" "The Harry Potter?" Saul, Pete and Aidan each looked at eachother, their faces slack. After the Sorting was completed, Professor Dumbledore stood up, with a wide smile and a glint in his eye. "Welcome. Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thankyou!" Saul chortled as his plate was filled up with dinner. Aidan and Pete's stomachs were growling for food, and the only sounds heard in the next few minutes were those of knifes and forks clattering. Finally, when the conversation in the Great Hall was picking up again, Dumbledore got to his feet again. "Ahem - just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start of term notices to give you. First years should note that the forest in the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well" Dumbledore flashed a quick smile at the Gryffindor table; Saul was trying to recall the Weasley Twins' most recent jaunt in the forest when Dumbledore continued talking. "I have also been asked by Mr Filch, the careftaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contach Madam Hooch" Saul poked Aidan at this remark. "And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third floor corridor on the right hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death" "Are you thinking what I'm thinking B1?" asked Pete. "Who is B1?" asked Aidan, with a puzzled look. "Nevermind. Do you want to check it out?" "We'll go after Charms this week" said Saul, standing up to recite the school song as Dumbledore wrote the school song in the air with a golden ribbon. All the students filed out of the hall as soon as the Weasley's had finished their version, all eager for sleep after the banquet. The last thing that Saul heard as got into his bed was "Stupefy"
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Post by Rubes on Jul 30, 2003 3:14:04 GMT -5
4.
When Saul finally awoke, the dormitory was flooded with light. Pete was sitting on his bed, pocketing his wand. "Did you like your sleep? I Stunned you" said Pete. "Get up; I'm starving and breakfast will be over soon. Aidan's already down there" Saul pulled on his robes and hurried down to the Great Hall. He was thinking over what Dumbledore said the night before when he and Pete sat down next to Aidan, who had already finished his bacon and eggs, and was starting on a bowl of porridge. "I see Pete remembered the counter-spell" said Aidan, looking down at his timetable. "Today's not bad; Potions, Double-Charms, Free and Defence Against the Dark Arts. The Prefect's are handing them out, just over there". Aidan pointed with his spoon and continued shovelling porridge into his mouth. Pete and Saul hurried over to get their timetables, then pulled some toast and butter over to their side of the table. "Arithmancy, Double-Charms, Free, Defence Against the Dark Arts. Not too bad." said Pete through a mouth full of toast. "We can go check the third floor corridor after Charms; It's just down the hallway. We'd better get going. I've got Astrology theory first. See you guys later" Aidan and Pete murmured their replies.
Professor Flitwick was sitting upon his infamous cushions, beaming down on the class. "Welcome back, my young Ravenclaws, to another year of Charms. We will use these lessons to revise what we learnt last year. Firstly, Summoning and Banishing Charms. Cushions are in the corner. Wands out. Begin" The class split up into their groups and started to summon their cushions, then attempt to banish them into their cupboard. After the whole class had remastered this, Professor Flitwick set the class to working on fire Charms. By the time the curtains had been extinguished by an enthusiastic Ravenclaw, the end of the lesson was upon them. "Class, before you leave, I would just like to remind you that this year is still a vital year. You must perform well this year if you want to do well in your NEWT's next year. However, you have earned a break after last year, so no homework for this week. Have a good day" The class hurried out of the room for lunch. When Saul was sure the hall was empty, the trio walked to the end of the third floor. Pete tried to open the door. "It's locked. Still want to go in?" "Get your wands out first" Saul followed his own advice and pulled his wand out as Pete whispered "Alohomora" to unlock the door; The three boys slid through the door, looking behind them. "Aidan; What's that?" "What's what?" "That!" The three boys looked up, and six eyes were glaring at them. "Stupefy" Three red jets flew towards the six eyes, but rebounded back towards Pete. The spells struck him and threw him against the door. "Let's get out of here. You grab him" cried Saul, stepping between Pete and the monster. Aidan heaved Pete's light frame over his shoulder and opened the door. Saul jumped out after Aidan as the monster started growling. "Enervate. That wasn't too good. Maybe we shouldn't have had a look" "What happened?" mumbled Pete. "The three of us tried to Stun that monster, but the spells rebounded" "It could be a giant" said Aidan. "Not many creatures have hides thick enough to reflect spells. But they all have weak points; We should try again some other time" "There were too many eyes. And why would we want to do that?" asked Pete, with a look of horror on his face. "Let's go somewhere private first. Get something to eat, then talk in our free lesson" After a hurried lunch, Aidan helped a groggy Pete down to the Great Lake. "Did you notice the trapdoor?" "What trapdoor?" "You were knocked out Pete; It was under the monster" "That monster has Hagrid written all over it" "Want to go ask him about it later?" "Yeah, but what was it there for?" "Guarding something obviously." "What would be in Hogwarts worth guarding?" "Why isn't it in Gringotts? You remember the Gringotts message" "Yeah, but someone broke into Gringotts" "But nothing was stolen" "But something was removed the same day we were there" "The same day Hagrid was there" "Oh yeah. And Hagrid has that monster guarding it. What does Hagrid have that's so important?" "Could be any of the teachers. I'd choose Hagrid to protect something of mine" "How many of the teachers would want Hagrid to help though?" "Dumbledore" "Dumbledore" "Dumbledore might have something that is very valuable" "Or powerful" "Remember Grindelwald? Dark wizard. Maybe it's a weapon Dumbledore used" "And that's why dark wizards were trying to steal it? So that it can't be used against You-Know-Who" "Makes sense. But it's going to be impossible to get past that monster" "No it's not; They all have weaknesses. We take out it's eyes, and it can't see us" "Great; It'll eat us instead" "When does Defence Against the Dark Arts start?" "Half hour" "Let's go get our stuff then; We should go talk to Hagrid sometime though. Maybe he'll let something slip"
Ravenclaw was paired up with Hufflepuff for their first Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. As Professor Quirrel entered the room, the room went silent. Professor Quirrel opened his mouth to speak, but instead of the sharp, confident voice that the sixth years were used to, Professor Quirrel started to stutter. "W-w-welcome b-back sixth years. I t-t-trust that you h-had a v-v-very s-s-safe and joyous holiday. I kn-kn-know I d-did. Today, we will b-be working on d-d-duelling. Wouldn't want you t-to be harmed, would we?" stuttered Quirrel with a tiny, high pitched giggle. "Groups of th-three now c-c-class. If one of you gets knocked out, you will b-be replaced. S-s-start with Disarming Spells" A silky sound was heard throughout the class as the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs pulled their wands out of pockets and sleeves as one. Several students were grinning; Practical Charms and practical Defence Against the Dark Arts in the one day was a rarity. "Don't use the Stunning Spells guys; Don't want to attract attention" whispered Saul. "You reckon we'll get detention from Quirrel?" asked Pete, with his eyebrows shooting up towards his hairline. "What happened to him over the holiday break? Something gave him a fright" The classroom was soon filled with shouts of "Expelliarmus". Towards the end of the class, two Hufflepuffs hit Professor Quirrel with their Disarming Spells. Professor Quirrel's purple turban shot into the air, but before it drifted out the window, "Accio turban" was heard and the turban re-wrapped itself around Professor Quirrel's head. "That is all for t-t-today class. H-have an early m-m-mark"
Back in their dormitory, Saul, Pete and Aidan were just preparing to sleep when Saul remembered something. "This time last year, we would have had homework from each class. But it was still a big day. I'm going to have nightmares for weeks" "Go to sleep; I still owe you a Stupefy"
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Post by coldmercurywitch on Jul 30, 2003 7:50:33 GMT -5
The only thing that I find wrong with this story, and it's more on a personal basis, is that there is too much speech and not enough description. There's all this dialogue, but you haven't really set the scene very much. Describing people and their surroundings they are in are the key to setting the mood in a story.
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