Dating and relationship... er, things.

[KoNeko]

The bottom line is this: Every now and then we all need a Friar Lawrence to our Romeo.

Okay, I didn't think I was that emotionally retarded, but I am really stumped on this one and maybe you guys could help me out. And hey, I know a lot of this is growing up stuff, so I would really appreciate a whatever input you can provide on this. And I'm sure that we could all help each other from our own personal experiences.

I have a friend who is basically smitten with this guy she's seen/dated once (over the past weekend). They've been friends/acquaintances for a while and they went out, and now she is really interested in seeing him again. So she called him and left a message; he called back and said he had a good time when they went out and for her to call him back but he's really busy this week.

Now... this is what she asked me that I couldn't answer. What the heck does it mean when a guy tells a girl (or anyone tells anyone else for that matter) he had a good time when they were out and that she should call him back, but then says he's really busy?! I've never really been in this situation so I didn't know what to say, except that it is possible that he legitimately is busy, but it could also be a lame excuse not to see her? I really don't know. And she's a really good friend and I want to be able to help her out and advise her (since for some reason she thinks I'll be able to do so) but I'm really stumped.

Argh. Without going into a rant about vagueness and emotional handicappedness, what think you?

[Nie]

It does sound a bit vague...

Maybe he does actually want to go out with her again (he said for her to call him, not he'll call her), but know's he's going to be busy over the next week so wanted to give her warning that he may have to turn down any offers to meet up that week. It might be an idea for her to wait till later in the week to call him to see if he's free to go out again the week after sometime.

Apart from that, I don't know.

[nancy]

God, so guys are still idiots when they're older than 18?

Maybe he really really is busy, like Nie said. Or maybe he just wants to have a laugh, which would suck, but some guys I wouldn't put it past.

Why wouldn't he call her though? I find that a bit strange, I guess. Telling her to call him... it's like... I'm interested, but only if you're interested enough to call me.
It'd be cool if she'd called without him sayin anything, or he'd called.... but that does sound strange, to me, anyway.

[Pkia]

Well? I'm waiting for the update... did she end up calling him back/did he call her?

I mean, the guy could be legitimately busy, or he might just trying to be finding a way to not have to say straight-out "I'm not interested"... but that depends on what's happened since then... Personally, I think it may be the second because he didn't offer to call her, but maybe I'm old-fashioned because I think guys should be the ones doing that.

[Lianne]

i think that he is interested, and by asking her o call him, he was maybe unsure of her reaction and thats why hed like her to call him maybe?

the busy deal sounds like he is actually busy and doesnt want to discourage her?

thast the impression i get

[KoNeko]

Oh wow. I haven't updated this thread in like, ages. Sorry. Anyway, so what happened was that... well, nothing did for like a month and a half, and then just recently they went out again, then he did the "I don't know what I want and I don't want to lead you on or confuse or hurt you" or something like that speech (she did a great rendition of it, I can't really emulate it here). She kind of likes him so obviously she was surprised and a little bit upset. That was about a month or so ago, and they hung out as friends (with a bunch of other people, including me, and I could tell that she still liked him ).

Then two weeks ago or something he drunk dials her, telling her to come over to his house. She said no, and then last weekend he did it again, and this time she did. I don't know if that's a good idea or not, because I guess they're not expecting a relationship out of this or anything but I don't know. I personally think she wants a relationship out of it, and I can't tell if he does or not (because I don't really know him that well, he's like a friend of a friend sort of) but if he's still like "I don't know" then I want to tell her to back off a bit so she doesn't get hurt or anything. :/

[hermoine]

He seems like the fickle kind of guy to me...personally I would tell her to be careful. I know it's hard to get over someone...but if say they go out, considering that she likes him to this extent (probably more than he does her), the mind has this thing of playing tricks at times and she could interpret whatever he does as signs that he really likes her back. Am I making sense?

I'm just saying this so she doesn't get hurt like you said...however, in the end I guess it's her decision, so if she does decide to go through with this and goes out with him, I guess as a friend, all you could do, apart from keeping an eye out and warning her, is just make sure that she's alright you know? Sometimes you really appreciate having friends around you, and in situations like these it's to whom you'd naturally turn to first.

[KoNeko]

Yeah, I don't think he's intending to hurt her but if she's (mistakenly) expecting something then... yeah, it usually doesn't work that way. I've met the guy a few times and I think he's alright, he seems to be nice and all. And we have the same bunch of friends, so I don't want anything REALLY bad to happen. I don't think the other people in our group would let that happen, but who knows... *shrug*

Gah, I just don't want to see my friend get hurt. She's usually pretty resilient to this kind of emotional stuff, so I was kind of surprised when she was so upset the first time. (So... inference is that she really likes him?) But yeah, what should I be doing in terms of advising her? I don't want to badmouth this guy because we're effectively in the same bunch of friends, but at the same time I don't want to make her mad by warning her or something if she's going to go after him anyways.

[Pkia]

Wheee.... I love conversations about matters that freakishly mirror my own situation I'm supposing this problem is resolved by now? Or are opinions still wanted?

[KoNeko]

I think this is resolved. I don't know how happily, but it is tetchily resolved. I think part of that was because school has started so there's not as much time for all this stuff to go on. She also just started seeing someone else but I don't think he knows, and I'm sure it could get interesting when he finds out, because it's not like they ever really officially dated but they certainly were somewhat fond of each other, I guess. She seems happy these days.

So... pkia, what's the mirroring bit?

[KoNeko]

BLAH.

ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS AND I AM DATING THEIR KING.

Sorry, I just had to get that out. You know I don't really mean that, but I am very frustrated at the moment.

I just think the idea of having a designated breakup day is ridiculous, but there is nothing I can say to convince him otherwise, so I am chalking this one up to obstinate stupidity.

[Fluffy]

Ko, *hug* Don't settle for the idiot king. You're better than that. Why is he being a poop about breaking up?

[KoNeko]

I don't know, it's like, he said he doesn't want to do the long distance thing, he wants to have a clean slate when he moves and all this stuff. That's fair enough, but he's only gone for like, four months. To be sure, a couple of months after he gets back, he's moving overseas and I'll be going back to Australia, so there is no real way that this coule work in the long run. But, there's like all the time until then, right? I tried to convince him otherwise, in that I presented what I thought were reasonable arguments to at least try to have some sort of relationship, but there didn't seem to be anything I could say to any effect. Gah.

[nancy]

Ok, so there's this guy. I don't like him. I sort of liked having him as a friend.
but now he's gone all weird and I just don't know what to think.
He rides the same bus I do to commute to and from school. And 7 out of my 10 regular times on it, he's there. Including EVERY MORNING. And he sits next to me, and he wants to talk, which is alright, I s'pose. Except ALL he EVER talks about is Super Mario 64. And his dad being a teacher at school. And our chemistry project (teams of 5, happens to be friends with a friend of mine...). Oh, and how he'd feel terrible if he got an 83 in chemistry. RIGHT AFTER I TOLD HIM I WAS HAPPY BECAUSE I GOT THAT. Now that last bit is just wrong.
ANYWAY. It started out normal, he started to talk to me (outside of) o-chem class. Then sat by me on the bus and studied. Then sat there and tries to talk (it's always me that's gotta break silences though.) Then he started walking me to biology class/the library hall where my friends meet, depending what day it is.
Oh, and he takes physics right after me, same classroom. and he gets there early. and I know he watches me thru the window 'cause he makes fun of me not paying attention. Heck, a couple times he's even commented on what I'm reading!
Then he starts calling me on weekends, at night, when I'm with friends. To ask me when are we going to make soap.
...which everyone says is just an excuse because he wants to talk to me.
ugh
On weekend NIGHTS!
Last Friday at 11:30 pm. and the party was chez moi!
the saturday before that, at midnight! and we were at the house of um, a special guy.
[/rant]

I got no idea what can I do though. I don't wanna hurt him, I do need the 15% that project's worth and would prefer to be on good terms with everyone, but I do NOT want to go out with him. I barely want to talk to him anymore.
It's good he isn't in my bio class. Because when I do molecular bio next semester, he'll be stuck doing basic bio. and so on. Also good he isn't on the honors program.
but he's going to take like a million classes with me anyway.
ugh
end rant. again.

[hermoine]

Heh I had pretty much the same situation which is now thankfully over after ages.

Yes it can be infuriating. In my case I hadn't really given it much heed until I'd spot him from the corner of my eye looking at me 3/4 of the time. So right there I decided I needed to take action. We weren't very good friends so I could lie to him and told him I had a boyfriend. Then I realised lying was pretty stupid so I told him the truth (I thought he was over the whole thing but ha! Bad idea!). The only way this ended was by his asking if I wanted to go watch a movie and I told him that sorry I was kinda busy. (I felt bad but heck!) The situation still went on but we became really good friends (and yes, as in your case, we were working in a group over summer so I sympathise) and that way I could speak to him with more liberty, and although one may see it as cruel, I started ranting and raving about other girls. Nowadays he's just accepted the fact.

Getting the message across may be hard, and you may feel bad about it, but if your heart says no then you must show it.